Me: a Re-Introduction
Updated: Aug 25, 2020
So, I don’t know if you noticed but my blog took an accidental hiatus over the past month and a half. To quote Dr Ian Malcolm; ‘Life, uh, finds a way’ to constantly get in the way. The change in the weather, a new job, new opportunities and a sudden realisation all contributed to my blog taking a back seat. But, with each of these things came opportunities for growth, and somehow, I feel like I’ve just lived through another evolution of ME. So, I figured what better way to celebrate these changes than to re-introduce myself as Loz 2.0.
Firstly, I’d like to start off with a disclaimer. I have a very fanciful way of looking at life. I’m a sucker for a fresh start, and I LOVE the idea that with every fresh start comes an opportunity to start again as the person I want to be. As if, with these changes comes the chance to rid myself of every bad habit I have. Of course, subconsciously I know with experience that that most likely isn’t going to happen, but I still make all these plans anyway. Take moving to Milton Keynes for example. I had these big ideals of becoming a sustainability guru, of being consistently tidy, cooking homemade meals every day, doing yoga and meditating every morning and night, losing weight and being a glowing healthy goddess… you get the picture. Credit where credit is due, I kept most of it up for a little while. But, along the way, I realised that trying to be someone you want to be is ultimately trying to be someone you’re not.
So, to begin my re-introduction; I am Loz. I am a dreamer, a lazy perfectionist, and someone who always wants to do the right things though rarely does. I hate cooking, I love easy comfort food and I’m definitely not as active as I should be. I want too much, and I want to be loved too much, and it’s difficult to admit but I rely on other people’s praise to feel good about myself WAY more than I should. More so than I initially thought actually, given how rejected I felt about the current flatline of my Instagram account. Also, let’s be real, I’m not 100% sustainable although I want to be. I try very hard, but I could try harder. I create excuses for myself a LOT, like; ‘once I’ve gotten a job, I’ll be able to get into a proper routine’, or; ‘once the spare room is sorted, I’ll write more’. Only, when these things happen, I end up finding even more excuses as to why I’m not doing them yet. Instead, I’m ALWAYS too sleepy, and I put things off for far too long before I do them.
But honestly, I’m finally okay with all of that.
I’ve spent my entire life trying to hide from these things. Using every excuse I can to turn a new page, to become the person I should be, without ever stopping to realise that I’m already her.
Yes, I am all of these ‘bad’ things. These things that for so long I deemed negative and shameful. These things I try to hide on social media, and even from my friends. These things that I fight every single day to shake, like a cold or an annoying song that won’t leave your head.
But these things are what make me, well, me. And at the end of the day, I’m not just these things. It’s impossible to try to fit anyone into a series of statements after all, but I really am so much more than I give myself credit for. I’m also strong, and kind, and I work bloody hard at whatever I do. I love to learn, and I love to help others. I am passionate about what I do, and why I do it. I love this planet and everything on it, and I truly want to do my best to help.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I no longer want to put myself down for not fitting into this idealistic box that I believe is perfection. I’m also not going to try to persuade anyone that that is who I am. Social media is a blessing in disguise. I always thought I knew where I stood with it; I don’t compare myself to others online, and I do try to keep it real. But in reality, I still had this wall up, only showing people what I wanted them to see, carefully curating both the good and the bad.
I don’t want to do that anymore though. Seeing my engagement drop despite the fact I was putting out what I thought was a perfect persona really opened my eyes. There really is no point trying to be someone I’m not, be it online or in real life. I don’t mean that I don’t want to keep growing. I will always try to take positive things away from every situation, and I never want to stop learning from my experiences. But I’m going to let that happen organically, rather than forcing myself to grow quicker than I need to.
It seems silly now. I thrive on acceptance, yet how could I ever expect anyone to accept me if I wasn’t accepting myself?
From here on, I’m just going to be Me. This newly evolved, authentic Loz who is finally accepting of herself, flaws and all. Of course, I want to keep pursuing and sharing my sustainable journey. It is such an important part of my life, and hearing that I am encouraging others to be more eco-friendly truly makes my heart sing. But I’m also going to be so much more open and honest, both online and in real life. Basically, I’m going to stop trying So. Damn. Hard! And if people like that, great. But I’m not going to rest my entire worth on it.
So, hello. This is me, Jurassic Park quotes and all. I’m laying all my cards on the table, and where it’ll go from here, who knows. But at least I can say I did it being 100%, unashamedly Me.